Stretch marks are a woman’s Axis of Evil. Once there, they can never be erased, despite all the lasers and vanishing creams in the world. Are stretch marks a result of genes or of care (or lack thereof)? The experts, whoever they are, can’t seem to decide. So you PoshPreggos need to hedge your bets and make sure you do everything in your power to prevent these unsightly scars from invading that bikini body. Here are three attack drills a PP must adhere to:
1.) OPERATION HYDRATION: Drink plenty of water
You’re probably tired of hearing this. It doesn't matter. Drink water like it’s the most delicious thing in your life. You have to pee constantly anyway, right? So why not make the pee count? Water keeps you hydrated, and it helps with your skin’s elasticity, which in turn, reduces the chance of stretch marks.
2.) GREASE THE TARGET: Oil that baby up!
I used 3 different types of oil at various stages of my pregnancy. Target Areas: Stomach, hips, thighs, boobs, bottom, back of your arms.
Month 0 to 4: Elemis Japanese Camellia Oil Blend – Google it. Posh Spice (aka Victoria Beckham) credits this oil for all 4 (eep!) of her stretch-mark-free pregnancies. This is lightweight, non-greasy, and smells lovely. It’s pricey but perfect for the burgeoning bump.
Month 4 to 7: BioOil – It’s greasy so beware. It doesn't smell that good, but it does the job of keeping your belly as itch free as possible. I would apply the Elemis oil in the morning, and BioOil in the afternoon and at night. And at $11, it’s affordable, so there’s no excuse.
Month 7 to Whenever-you-are-back-to-pre-baby-weight: Clarins Huile Tonic – It smells divine. DIVINE. It’s thick and quite greasy, but that’s exactly what you need. This oil is MAGIC. You’re supposed to spend 15 minutes massaging it into your skin, and truthfully, you’ll probably want to. Let it soak in before you put on your robe or any clothes. It’s the most expensive of the three oils, but worth every penny, my friends. 18 months on and I still buy it at duty-free, 5 bottles at a time.
3.) AREA PATROL: Don’t itch, bitch!
NO! Stop – right now! No surreptitious “I’m just rubbing not itching” itching. Think of your beautiful smooth skin shredding into jagged marks, caused by your selfish need to itch. Think of all the people that won’t get to admire your flat “wow, she’s a mom?” tummy, because you’ll be hiding it under a one-piece bathing suit. Tut, tut.
Don’t fall for compromised intelligence either. Just because the baby is out at 9/10 months, it doesn't mean you can stop applying the Clarins oil. You’ll need it most of all when your body deflates post-delivery, and tries to normalize itself as you lose weight. Whilst pregnant, I would apply it generously morning and evening. Whenever I itched during office hours, I would pour BioOil on my belly and rub it in. Vigorously. That’s not itching. Promise.
Also, I’m not calling you a bitch. I’m just saying, you’re sacrificing alcohol, sushi, and caffeine to add to the ranks of your country. So you can invoke your right to complain constantly about how itchy your belly is, and if anyone says anything, Guantanamo their ass.