Too Posh To Poop

...or just plain terrified.

For many blissful years we lived with a separate but equal bathroom policy. We did everything in front of each other, except for that.

Let's face it. Women DO do Number Two (I cringe as I write this and I will also vehemently deny it once this post is up). I don't want to talk about it, but I fear I must because no one else does, and it was such a terribly unexpected part of my recovery.  My doctor never mentioned this, neither did the birthing coach.  So discuss it we must.

The only time we actually don't do it is post-delivery. And that's not because we don't have to, it's because we don't want to. Imagine you have just pushed out a baby - do you want to know what your body feels like afterwards?

I'll tell you.

Imagine taking a cheese grater to your nether regions, pulling out some innards, and perhaps taking on a few stitches along the way. Yes, it sounds bloody awful, I know. But everything down there is Bombs over Baghdad. It IS awful.  You can also imagine that any sort of pressure down there after this is a fearsome, horrible thing.

We can barely bring ourselves to sit on the toilet, let alone DO anything there. I tentatively approached the bathroom only when my body desperately needed to go, perched gently on the seat and squeezed my eyes shut, praying my body wanted to keep it all in.

But that isn't the way we function, sadly. What goes in must come out. It took days. I needed those days just to re-learn how to pee.

When the function that shall not be named (POOP!!! POOP!!!) finally did need to make an appearance I thought I was dying. No I'm not being dramatic...DYING! I was in pain giving birth all over again. I felt light-headed and saw dark spots swimming before my eyes. I had visions of Andy finding me indecorously slumped on the marble floor, stretched out used-to-be-cute undies around my ankles with my loose track pants pooling at my feet. I don't even want to talk about the thought of popped stitches (shudder)!

I called to him. Okay, truth be told, I screamed for him to come and sit with me. He might have held my hand, perplexed at what was going on.

We have never been closer.

There is and was an easy solution to my hard, er, difficult, problem. The next day he came home and gently placed a tiny little bottle in front of me. Colace? What was this?

"The doctor had mentioned you might want to take this"

What was this tiny little red capsule going to help me with?  I couldn't imagine this bottle actually contained magic.

It worked. It was almost make the trip to the loo. I no longer feared that cold bathroom, or that hard seat.  The embarrassment of having broken the golden rule of our marriage thus far remained (remains) but you know, it was time to break down barriers.

Now if you see me walking down the street please don't pause to chat; I don't want to look any of you in the eye. You know too much. 

Shit Happens. 

5 Beauty Products for the Sleep Deprived New Mom

After reading 5 Beauty Tips for the Sleep Deprived New Mom, a lot of people reached out inquiring about which products I use for each tip in the post. Read on for my go-to brands and products...

Tip 1 - Flesh-toned Eyeliner: Many people use white eyeliner to line their lower lash lines, but this just looks really odd. A skin-toned liner pops just enough to brighten, but not enough to fake you out.  I LOVE Nars Larger Than Life Eyeliner in Rue Bonaparte. Yes, paying $25 for an eyeliner that looks like your actual skin seems a bit stupid, but a.) it works, and b.) I just replaced mine after 3 years of almost daily wear, so it is WELL worth it!


Tip 2 - Eyelash Curlers: Since I first found out there was a contraption to prettify my short, stubby lashes I have used Shu Umuera's eyelash curler. It's available worldwide and lasts a really long time. It comes with 2 pads (supposedly to use for 6 months each but I've had each one last for years before having to buy a new curler.) I literally will not leave my house to walk my dog in the dead of night without curled eyelashes. Seriously.


Tip 3 - Dark Sunglasses: I like wearing the shaded versions as much as the next stylista, but my absolute GO-TO sunglasses are always the darkest of the lot. I can't handle my morning drop-offs without my pitch-black Chanels. Hey, If Karl Lagerfeld won't be seen without them, neither will I. Plus, like I mentioned before - I need them to check out what everyone else is wearing on the school run, Duh. Does it make me seem standoffish, and keep people away? Yes. Just what I want early in the morning. Save the "Hi, how are you's?" for your barista at Payard. Just kidding, talk to me! I'm actually super-nice usually sometimes if I'm in the mood. Mine are about 5 years old and due for retirement, so I'm currently crushing on these MiuMiu ones.


Tip 4 - Bright Lips: Just stop reading, go to Sephora or Barneys or Saks and buy just about every color of these Nars Lip Pencils. I could write an entire post solely on how much I love these. There are tons of shades in 3 different finishes (Satin, Velvet Matte, and Gloss) and they are UH-MAZING. Easy to stash in your pocket, diaper bag, or wallet. The only thing that would make me love these more is if they came with a built in sharpener, like the eyeliners do. My all-time favourite is Dragon Girl. It's a wearable poppy-red which - no joke- suits ANY skin tone. I have at least 3 at home. Other colors in my daily rotation are Mexican Rose, Yu, and Hopi (a glossy tan; very unlike me and my love of bright lips but very flattering for those sun-kissed, just came back with great colour from the French Riveria, days). I only wear that one during or immediately following a sunny vacation, like when wearing bright lips with a deep tan would look a little...Miami-Geriatric-chic. Not the look we are going for.

Tip 5 - Dry Shampoo: Klorane all the way, baby. It's soft, smells good, and I like that it also comes in a dark version so it doesn't look powdery on my hair. Sometimes I forget to use this, and when I catch sight of my greasy mane in the elevator mirror I am fully mortified. But at least my eyelashes are curled and my lips are painted. And I'm wearing shades so you can't see the panic in my eyes when you try to talk to me.

I'm kind-of invisible. Maybe I'm Batman.

Probably not, but in re-reading this post, I do seem terribly vain! Whatever, get-up-and-go has never been my style! And I prefer to look like I really belong in the world outside, even though I spend a fair amount of my time in my apartment, playing with Hot Wheels and trying to stop my toddler from itching his butthole right after I wash his hands. See? You can't blame me for wanting to remember what I looked like B.C.!  

Do you have any products you can't leave the house without using? Share! 

*Please note that these are products I actually use. I haven't been compensated for my recommendations, nor am I paid for the links included in the post above.*

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